Tag Archives: snapchat

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Today I…

Woke up grumpy again. Get off me.

After an un-expected but amazing date night in Carlton watching Yves Saint Laurent we’d gone to bed – seriously SHUT THE FUCK UP HEAD MACHINE*.

Eli goes to work and I wake up in his bed again after pressing the snooze button 5 too many times. “I’m only working a day shift today and then I get to go to my screen writing course” I say to myself as I force myself out of bed and outside awaiting my taxi back home. Taxi comes and I get in, I tune out and pray that he isn’t one of those chatty drivers. I’m in luck he’s not and i get to listen to talk back radio all the way home until I stumble half asleep into my house. Past the lounge room I notice a yellow envelope on the bench with TOM written in black permanent marker. I get excited and open it to find an invitation to Bianca’s baby shower before throwing it on my bed as i’ve seen it before and the usual excitement of a baby shower is lost on me.

Checking the time as I get out of the shower I notice I’m running late so the pace picks up and before I know it I’ve stepped over my long overdue laundry and into ‘Coin Laundry’ my local cafe to pick up my “I’ve just missed my train and I have time to get a coffee, coffee.”

Arriving at work I hear the news about my managers heavy day the day before and also come to the realisation that I’m now working a double shift and will miss out on uni tonight. Devastated I rush downstairs in the middle of lunch service to send my lecturer and email joking about how the young bearded lad who says nothing in his class because he’s too scared to say anything won’t be there tonight. I make a point of letting him know how much I’m enjoying his class(highlight of my week is the exact describing phrase I use) and ask him to send me notes. Then out of desperation to escape I book flights to Perth..and New Zealand.

When your day starts off that rocky it can only get better. I had one of the best nights at work I’ve ever had. One of the guys called in sick and the whole team pulled together and helped each other out. I felt really proud of myself(I can’t lie) because every person running around that restaurant(except for one) had been hired after myself and to see they all have come so far, whether it had anything to do with me, or not…it was just pretty amazing to see how well they all worked together and helped each other out.

Its pretty horrendous when you take a snapchat selfie of yourself and realise that you haven’t put your phone on silent. Now I’m tipsy and in a taxi on the way to Brunswick. Howler to be specific, funnily enough it was really windy. Met up with Candice and Tania. Tania was back to her old self. I could see it in her eyes. We talk of art galleries and movies about fashion designers and long days at work and we hold hands. Its windy and the lights in the building reflect on to the trees and then the Irish bartender who we’ve made friends with tells us to get the fuck out in the best way.

The girls are in a cab and I’m getting a kebab. Mixed thanks, with cheese, garlic sauce AND hot sauce. Cabs fly by but I decide to get an Uber for two reasons. The first being, I’m not finished my kebab yet and the second being…its an uber.

Back in the south side, lying on my bed. Listening to music and trying to articulate my day. I text a few people and ask for their email address so I can subscribe them to this. Text Zag my drunken words of wisdom. Text Zsuzsa confirming my yoga session in the morning. Text Eli. Hit Publish.

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The Rules of Snapchat

The Rules of Snapchat.

It was Tuesday night and our TV was not cooperating. My two housemates and I were forced to
entertain ourselves the old-fashioned way….conversation.

After the three of us tired of our usual topic of conversation(boys), Briggs brought up a
interesting point about the app some of us, including myself, have spent far too much time on these past few months :Snapchat. When I first began using it, it was all about sending unflattering images of myself; hung over mainly, to my nearest and dearest. It was perfect.
I got to fulfil my urge to take photos of myself(selfies) and they got a laugh, for three to six seconds depending on the horror of the content.

As the app grew in popularity and the ‘nearest and dearest’ I spoke of earlier turned
into a less exclusive list (Basically anybody I knew with a sense of humor) it evolved into
something more. After receiving a Chris Lilley inspired dictation shot from a friend
of my housemate, Erin, I found myself giving what I like to call ‘snapgobbys’ on almost a
daily basis. inappropriate. Childish. Funny.

Rule Number One: Don’t snapchat your acquaintances.
Not only is it awkward for them to find out what a freak you are, but its awkward for you, when they’ve been ‘too busy’ to reply to your texts, but have plenty of time to laugh at you. 

Now I honestly don’t know if it’s a case of me having a sick sense of humour, or if nobody can come up with anything quite as funny, but in the past couple of weeks my snapchat inbox has been filled to the brim with what I’d now like to call snapcrap. I feel like I’m going through emails after somebody has subscribed me to a hundred newsletters, I don’t have any interest in. Sure I think your kids are adorable, gee that pasta you just cooked looks amazing and well done with your progress at the gym, but I have to be in a very particular mood to find any of that worth looking at and when I do;

Rule Number Two: Keep your dogs, children and lunch where they belong…
On instagram. You can’t sit there and whinge about the content of what somebody is posting that way….you CHOOSE to follow people on the gram. 

Much like facebook is all about ‘keeping in contact with friends & family’ aka Stalking your ex.

“I was just stalking my primary school boyfriend and accidentally liked one of his photos from like 2 years ago. god dammit! Now he’ll know!”*

and that cute guy you met Friday night….

“sometimes I’m looking at one persons profile and from there I click onto someone else and then someone else and then half an hour later I’m like ‘WTF why am I stalking this person? How did I even get here?”* 

I use snapchat when I only have a very short amount of time to communicate my current mood/situation with my friends and thoroughly appreciate the 5 seconds amusement I get when receiving a hideous reply. The disappointment, when I’m after a quick pick-me-up at the expense of someone other than myself and I get a picture of your lunch is soul shattering.
There are plenty of other ways to feed our need to broadcast ourselves so lets keep this one as lighthearted and immature as we possibly can, which brings me to

Rule Number 3 Fellas…keep your dacks on!
That’s what grindr/blendr is for. The only penis I want to see on snapchat is the one, poorly drawn on my friends face.

Please note; video messages which are completely ridiculous but hilarious are also acceptable.