Today I…

Woke up grumpy again. Get off me.

After an un-expected but amazing date night in Carlton watching Yves Saint Laurent we’d gone to bed – seriously SHUT THE FUCK UP HEAD MACHINE*.

Eli goes to work and I wake up in his bed again after pressing the snooze button 5 too many times. “I’m only working a day shift today and then I get to go to my screen writing course” I say to myself as I force myself out of bed and outside awaiting my taxi back home. Taxi comes and I get in, I tune out and pray that he isn’t one of those chatty drivers. I’m in luck he’s not and i get to listen to talk back radio all the way home until I stumble half asleep into my house. Past the lounge room I notice a yellow envelope on the bench with TOM written in black permanent marker. I get excited and open it to find an invitation to Bianca’s baby shower before throwing it on my bed as i’ve seen it before and the usual excitement of a baby shower is lost on me.

Checking the time as I get out of the shower I notice I’m running late so the pace picks up and before I know it I’ve stepped over my long overdue laundry and into ‘Coin Laundry’ my local cafe to pick up my “I’ve just missed my train and I have time to get a coffee, coffee.”

Arriving at work I hear the news about my managers heavy day the day before and also come to the realisation that I’m now working a double shift and will miss out on uni tonight. Devastated I rush downstairs in the middle of lunch service to send my lecturer and email joking about how the young bearded lad who says nothing in his class because he’s too scared to say anything won’t be there tonight. I make a point of letting him know how much I’m enjoying his class(highlight of my week is the exact describing phrase I use) and ask him to send me notes. Then out of desperation to escape I book flights to Perth..and New Zealand.

When your day starts off that rocky it can only get better. I had one of the best nights at work I’ve ever had. One of the guys called in sick and the whole team pulled together and helped each other out. I felt really proud of myself(I can’t lie) because every person running around that restaurant(except for one) had been hired after myself and to see they all have come so far, whether it had anything to do with me, or not…it was just pretty amazing to see how well they all worked together and helped each other out.

Its pretty horrendous when you take a snapchat selfie of yourself and realise that you haven’t put your phone on silent. Now I’m tipsy and in a taxi on the way to Brunswick. Howler to be specific, funnily enough it was really windy. Met up with Candice and Tania. Tania was back to her old self. I could see it in her eyes. We talk of art galleries and movies about fashion designers and long days at work and we hold hands. Its windy and the lights in the building reflect on to the trees and then the Irish bartender who we’ve made friends with tells us to get the fuck out in the best way.

The girls are in a cab and I’m getting a kebab. Mixed thanks, with cheese, garlic sauce AND hot sauce. Cabs fly by but I decide to get an Uber for two reasons. The first being, I’m not finished my kebab yet and the second being…its an uber.

Back in the south side, lying on my bed. Listening to music and trying to articulate my day. I text a few people and ask for their email address so I can subscribe them to this. Text Zag my drunken words of wisdom. Text Zsuzsa confirming my yoga session in the morning. Text Eli. Hit Publish.

We don’t sleep when the sun goes down…

…we don’t waste no precious time.

I can’t sleep, my mind is reeling.

About a month ago I quit my job and signed up for a screen writing course. You can stop with your eye rolling right now, I know what you’re thinking. “Just what the world needs, more screen-writers” You might also think I’m crazy and will be living on the street in the next 2-5 months.

I’m well aware of the state of the Australian film industry and the lack of financial stability that comes with it so now I’ll confess that I didn’t exactly ‘quit’ in a conventional sense, but the sentence had way more punch when I put it like that. For the past five years I’ve been working my way up the hospitality food chain and its been quite the hard slog. It’s never been one of my dreams to work in or own a restaurant but I love people and food so it makes sense that I fell into it pretty easily. The last 18  months in Melbourne I’ve learnt more then I ever thought I would and have come to the realisation that there are certain parts of this industry that just don’t suit this crazy young man. Sure I know how to read all the financial reports, do the stock-takes etc but in all honesty the numbers bore the absolute shit out of me and I just can’t pretend to care anymore. Its been a wild ride; I’ve made some lifetime friends, educated myself about food and booze from other cultures and learnt so much about myself all while managing to save a decent amount of money along the way. However, the 70 hour weeks, constant phone calls and emails from work on my days off and the lack of job satisfaction have all hit home and its time for a change.

Writing makes me happy. Seeing my friends and family make me happy. Going to the gym makes me happy. I’m not sacrificing any of these things anymore for the sake of a career when my hearts not in it. In about a months time I’m going from Floor Supervisor at one of Melbourne’s most well known restaurants to your every day, paid by the hour waiter and I couldn’t be more excited. I’ve saved enough money so I can travel next year and my rents paid about 4 months in advance(Again bonus to not having a life) so why the fuck not?

My last month is also my second week at the screenwriting course I’ve been attending. I’ve been trying for the past couple of years to write an auto-biographical novel about my adventures and misadventures on Hamilton Island(Hamo) with little to moderate success. With a slight nudge from my mother I signed up to a screen writing course which is something I’ve always been interested in doing, I just thought I had to wait until I the previously mentioned novel was a best-seller and I’d been approached by some Hollywood big-shot to turn it into a movie. Still waiting……

I can’t be too bitter at the Hollywood big-shot, I haven’t finished the book after all(or come close at all) but I thought that going to this course would at least get me in the habit of writing again. Even if its only once a week for the next ten weeks it will be more consistent than my previous attempts and its a start. I’m really enjoying it although I’ve found it extremely hard to voice my ‘concept’ to the class of about 20 strangers due to the confronting nature of it. The theme for my concept is ‘Rite of Passage’ and basically is about me coming out of the closet on Hamo. I’ve been freaking out about talking about it because it sounds lame, embarrassing, shameful and every other cliche adjective you can think of. I’m even at the point where I was writing ideas down and covering them with my hand so the person next to me won’t read them, because the random stranger who’s known me for three hours is super interested in my super interesting life..#vain #itsallaboutme #getoveryourself

When I got home tonight I was determined to do some writing and while I waited for the mac to fire up I scrolled through insty to find a new post from one of my life-long best mates Quinn. I’ve been quite jealous but proud of her commitment to her latest blog as we’re both writers and both really inconsistent but tonights blog really moved me. It was confronting, honest and full of heart which are some of the things I admire most about Quinn. I’ve been on her back for years now to start blogging and what a waste of talent it was. This whole time I’ve been banging on to her about being brave and speaking the truth and I’ve been too scared to do it myself. Pot meet kettle. It was like instagram led me to a secret room and when I opened the door I found my balls again.

No more of this fear of failure bullshit. My course lecture said this to me on our first day of class. I can’t remember his quote exactly so I won’t quote him but it was brilliant and I really want to share it. To put it into context he was asking the class why we aren’t writing.

You’re not writing because you THINK you’re scared of failure but you’re already in a state of failure because you’re not writing. You’re scared of success. You’re scared of people seeing what you do but if people see what you do then you have succeeded because you have written something. 

DISCLAIMER: In my sleep deprived state the above makes sense.